capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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