I think i peed on brittanys purse
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
