you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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