I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
