oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
