Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
