What a fucking waste of an outfit
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
