He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
