I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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