What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
