Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
