So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
MIDGETS
????
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize