I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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