I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize