chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
