Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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