you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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