Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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