I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
