You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
