How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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