I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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