the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
All the doctor said was why
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
