Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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