the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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