Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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