Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
