also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
