My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
how does that bad decision feel?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
