I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
