I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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