Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can text with my tongue
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
