We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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