some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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