i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
