I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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