Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
