I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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