worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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