Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I am available for nakedness
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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