The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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