At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize