Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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