Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
