ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
