wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
