By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
