I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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