Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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