Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
