just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
