so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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