highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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