Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
