I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize