textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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