Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
