my phone needs a breathalizer
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
