Betty ford says i'm here all night
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
