i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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