Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
