Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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