a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
