and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize