We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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